Katie Marshall: Some things just go better together: Cook Out after a night out, a long tank over leggings, and Oreos and Peanut Butter (cheers, young Lindsay Lohan). But the things that go best together are not things or even treats: they’re people. Think about all of the awesome famous couples you know, or even the awesome friends that you have, and how some are just better together. I can tell you one thing, it’s always better when Caroline and I are together. My jokes are funnier, my style enhanced, and my smile broader. The thing about soul mates is that they come in such different shapes, sizes, and roles in our lives that it’s difficult to spot them until you’re with them. It’s important to remember that sometimes soul mates are friends, siblings, or ridiculous co-workers that needs their own TLC TV Show stat. We’ve been noticing and thinking of some people who would produce a super mega star if only they were put together, just like when the Power Rangers would bring all of their cool animal themed robot cars together at the end of every episode to form Megazord.
Caroline Nash: In case you weren’t aware, under a rock, lost in the Sahara desert, too busy searching for the perfect pair of riding boots, or secretly planning a comeback (Looking at you JT, Kelly, Michelle, and Benoncaloncyé Knowles-Carter), but the other royal couple (Not Beyoncé and HOVA or Kate and Wills) aka Kimye announced that they are incubating a child. I have previously written about how I secretly love this pairing and the fact that they are having a child was inevitable, expected, and unreal. I cannot wait to hear the future stories of how Kanye is having a 14K gold jacuzzi commissioned for the water birth built in their forthcoming mansion in California. We will be inundated of pictures of Kristal Kardashian-West (the child’s name must start with a K) as we fight the urge to vomit while we look at them. This got us thinking about other notable celebrities and politicians and figures throughout history who really should procreate regardless of gender and sexual orientation and even if they are fictional characters. This was all thrown out the window.
KM: So we stepped into our Curlyheads science lab, put on our bejeweled lab coats, and starting putting incredible famous people together to dream about what a super mega incredible baby they might make together. Our combinations are devoid of sexuality, gender, and most of all, logic, but the results are real. Or at least really hilarious. To us.
Joe Biden + Barack Obama
(Bo Biden)
CN: When Katie and I discussed this the first combination that immediately came to mind was our beloved President Barack Obama and American Treasure, Vice President Joe Biden. What would go better together than the smooth talking Obama and the unknowingly hilarious Joe Biden. Can you just picture this child? They would be able to talk down a Ferrari salesman and convince him to give cars to the homeless and make him feel like a million bucks. This child would have the seductive powers of a million George Clooney’s. This child would be the king of Harvard Law School and every Secret Society would be fighting to have him as a member.
Tina Fey + Amy Poehler
CN: Let’s be real everyone, after their recent Golden Globe triumph all but confirmed what we already knew, Tina and Amy need to procreate together. That is a Baby Mama 2 we would all pay to see. Katie and I have different viewpoints on what the child of Tina and Amy would turn into. I will let Katie defend her choice, but I personally believe that when combined they would created a socially awkward yet amazingly kickass girl envied by her peers for her wit and they turn to the Nancy Drew series because she thinks it’s completely cool and makes mismatched knee-high socks the it thing on the elementary school circuit. She would be mature beyond her years and will turn to her Moms for understanding while they are waiting for her to return home from school with PB&Js cut into the shapes of Cowboy Hats and a matching costume to wear.
KM: I see this combination creating nothing but a well-actualized gay son, named something simple like “John” but wielding an amazing talent for being hilarious, intelligent, and socially conscious simultaneously. He would probably take over for John Stewart on the Daily Show and deliver a perfect performance when he hosts SNL. He’s that guy that most everyone likes and one that I would certainly follow on Twitter.
Matt Damon + Ben Affleck
CN: If there is any bromance in Hollywood that needs to procreate, it is Affleck and Damon. If you look up lifelong friendship in the dictionary, they are found beside it arm in arm drinking brewskies, yelling at the Sox at Fenway (Ya don’t know nothing, ya fecking Yankee cocksuckers. Sorry, I just like to type in a Boston accent from time to time. I’m only human.) I think this beautiful child would be a hip girl with cool boys name like Thomas or Adam and they would call her Adie for short. She would have an iPad from birth and an implied devotion to the Red Sox, Celtics, and the Patriots. She would be a master at Texas Hold ‘Em and a model for American Apparel kids…ironically. Following in her father’s footsteps, she would make incredible movies. Her first film would make its entry into Sundance by 9 and Original Screenplay Nod by 16.
Joseph Gordon Levittz + Channing Tatum
KM: This handsome Frankenstien came to me after I saw JGL Tweet about his SNL monologue to Channing Tatum, saying something like, “Hey bro, did you see me honor you last night on SNL? #magicmikeforever” and Channing responded by Tweeting the video of JGL’s striptease monologue with “I love this guy!” or something equally loving. These two are made for each other. JGL is the perfect amount of cilantro to Channing Tatum’s BBQ Chicken Pizza.
This combination would create the most balanced of boys, the kind that grows up to be the boyfriend that makes you peanut butter sandwiches for long car rides, reads the Lord of the Rings trilogy once a year, but still laughs a little bit too hard when someone farts in Yoga class. He would be smart and well dressed, a good dancer with just the perfect amount of humility. He’d kick your ass in Wii dancing games, but he’d giggle every time he body rolled.
Rachel McAdams + Ryan Gosling
CN: Many celeb couples that have come and gone, but Rachel and Ryan are number one on the list. These two belong together. We saw ‘the Notebook’ and we saw that MTV Movie Awards kiss, that love is there and these two need to bone and procreate immediately. This child would be the envy of its entire generation from conception. They would have flawless hair, perfect bone structure, tall but not too tall, witty, eloquent, genius, and talent to spare. They would choose to avoid the public eye by being home schooled by their parents around the globe from India to the Sahara to Argentina. This child would be global and perfect. The rest of our collective gene pools will shrink immediately in comparison. (Also, can you imagine how hot Ryan Gosling will be as a Dad?)
KM: All I’m picturing is Ryan Gosling wearing one of those baby backpacks where the baby sits in the front and I just can’t even focus. But really, I just want these two to get back together. The offspring can even be optional, you don’t have to procreate, but please, for all of us, get back together?
Meryl Streep + Hillary Clinton
CN: If ever there was a child that would be destined to take over the world (other than Blue Ivy), it would be the creation of Queen Meryl and Queen Hillary. This child would shut it down with a glance. They will be put together in both power suits and casual wear, will graduate at the top of their class from elementary to the Ivy League. She will be the world’s youngest UN representative and convince the world that she deserves to be voted global dictator at 25 and a new form of currency will be created in their honor. Meryl and Hillary will watch this all arm in arm with a gleeful grin upon their faces.
KM: I think this child would be like Rachael Berry from Glee, except for not annoying. She would win Homecoming Queen but hand the crown to the runner up who actually really wanted to win, then create a Homecoming Queen Service project and turn the entire thing into a scholarship program.
Hugh Jackman + Hugh Jackman
KM: Hugh Jackman is a well-cooked lobster of a man: he doesn’t need anything added but a little butter. (What?) Hugh Jackman squared, in which Hugh Jackman would either be cloned or somehow magically create offspring with himself, would be best friends with Neil Patrick Harris’ kids, captain of the Rugby team, and star in an off-Broadway production of Bye Bye Birdie. What do you get when you multiply Hugh Jackman by Hugh Jackman? The most perfect abs, wise eyes, and breathtaking smile, plus a heart so big it would reach his stomach.
Ellen + Jimmy Fallon
CN: What two lovable wonderful individuals need to be combined more than Ellen and Jimmy Fallon? If you think there are two more joyous beings on this Earth out there, I will not believe you, because they bring sunshine to everything they touch. From Ellen’s dance moves to Jimmy’s fun talk show games, they just bring a ball of fun with them wherever they may go. Their child would be the school mascot from Middle School to Hollywood. They would be like the Muppet movie and gummy bears in real life! The thought of them having a child makes me want to weep. They would even have an annual Family Christmas Special aired on NBC naturally. That is a Christmas Card I would LOVE to receive on the regular.
Miranda + Samantha
KM: Look, I know that compartmentalizing women into specific personalities is unfair and does not reflect the true spectrum of womanhood. I know, okay? I know. However, I also feel strangely attached to Sex & The City, and though I know it’s a just a 2D shade of what women are, it’s still enjoyable, for the most part. This in mind, I was thinking, if you take Samantha’s fierce independence and Miranda’s occasional soft heart you have the perfect go-getting woman. This girl would be crazy successful in everything she chose to do. She’d be the friend with three internships that still makes it out to Margarita Wednesday because she understands the importance of a work/life balance and tequila.
Sawyer + Tim Riggins
KM: This combination creates every single guy I ever liked in high school and still have yet to figure out why. I’m sure he’d wear his older brother’s handmedowns and a baseball hat to a school he hates just so that he can tell you how much he hates it when you ask about it. He’d never do his homework, but you’d always offer to help him study, because he is the model Bad Boy: so fantastic looking that you’re woozy when he walks in the room and so unfixable but you can do nothing but try. He’s going to be good at sports, but not care enough to do anything with the talent. There’s certainly going to be some kind of soft spot included here, perhaps a younger sibling that he loves dearly or even a dream to start his own restaurant someday that keeps him forever endearing and us always cheering for him.
Honorable Mentions:
Britney + Justin
Kyle Chandler + Connie Britton
Larry King + Kelsey Grammar + David Letterman = the ultimate Benjamin Button combination of our nightmares
Andy Coop + Brian Williams + Alec Baldwin
Mariah Carey + Celine Dion
Bill Clinton + Conan Obrien
KM: So here’s hoping that the somewhere in the distant future something brings these incredible creatures to life, along with hoverboards and an Alien basketball team and everything else that I learned about the future from 90s movies.
CN: And may these creations be the stars of Baby Geniuses 3: We Got it Right this Time.
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